"Daddy! Daddy! I want an EverLastingGobStopper and I want it NOW!!" the pretty little girl demanded.

In a scene from Willie Wonka & The Chocolate Factory we are presented with the unattractive image of a little girl demanding what she wants. Demanding, in fact, immediate satisfaction. We are uncomfortable with the image, particularly from a girl child because little girls are taught to "be desirable, not to desire" as we are told by Dr. Gray in his seminar on men, women and communication.

In most normal families children are not taught to argue because they are not allowed to argue. This leaves us ill prepared for marriage where we are required to manage differences between ourselves our spouses. More confusing yet, the fairy tale is that we will one day meet a soul mate who 'completes' us. One who will fit together with us like a puzzle piece. We believe it should be easy, comfortable and that if it is not we are not with the right 'one.' In fact, a marriage without conflict is a dead marriage. We grow together in love by managing our differences. Real intimacy is created through supporting and comforting one another through stress.

Matt Sanders, MFC, say's, "There is nothing more natural than disagreement between lovers. It teaches us how we are different. The trick is to observe the difference as if it were a short distance between you. Each breath you take is a step toward understanding your partner. Talk less. Listen more. Take your time. You'll get your turn. Be sincere and clear. Love is not always about our similarities. Sometimes it is a pact between two intimates that say's, 'I will try to see it through your eyes.' Love is not always a commitment to agree. The best measure of intimacy is how careful we are with one another when we disagree."

My clients ask me, 'How can I be supportive of my partner without giving up my position?' The truth is, you don't have to agree with your partner in order to support him. You simply need to not make him wrong. More importantly, you don't need him to agree with you for your position to be OK. There are tools for managing disagreements. Which ones will work in your marriage? The answer to that question depends on the dynamic between you and your partner. More important than 'which tools' is that you are each trying to manage conflict. We can become so connected to our own desired outcome that we begin to imagine our lover as an enemy. One who is determined to undermine our happiness. This is the antithesis of love. Maturing together means learning to love and accept ourselves even when our partner doesn't agree with us. It also means being willing to extend ourselves in loving support for our partner when we think he is wrong.