Love
Connection
By
Annie Ory
Recently, a single client asked me how to proceed in a relationship he had decided he was interested in more seriously pursuing. He gave me some basic information about the woman, how often they’d met, what had been said and how he was feeling about her. He then asked (because he thought I'd know), what she would say if he asked her to stop dating other people. I told him the truth. That I didn’t know. Then I shared what I would say in the same situation, “I’m not ready yet.”
“Why?” he asked. My answer may surprise you. I told him I believe you should know someone fairly well before you agree to give up all your other options. Exclusive access to an individual’s time, attention and heart should not be given too easily.
“What if,” he asked, “someone else asks her first?” I told him she would give that person an answer based on her knowledge of both the men and herself. And that it would be the right answer. I also told him that I was not suggesting he not pose the question. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Since she’s not me, she may say yes. The lady in question likely has very different needs and criteria than I do.
Have you ever asked yourself what your requirements are? Hopefully, if you are dating, looking for your soul mate, you’ll stop for a moment to imagine what that person might bring to the relationship and how you will know it when you see it. Doing this before chemistry takes over can save us from the daunting prospect of extricating ourselves from a relationship with the wrong person. Pain and anguish aside, think of the time and convenience of not getting physically and emotionally involved with a series of people who don’t meet our needs, or us theirs.
Interestingly, the bottom line for my client turned out to be convenience. My clients date a lot and he was tired. He wanted to hurry up and choose because he imagined that dating one person would be easier than dating many. Choosing would make life simpler. When presented with the idea that choosing well might be simpler in the long run than choosing quickly, he took a deep breath. Then he confirmed his commitment to the process he designed when we initially began working together.
Uncertainty is a state we are not comfortable with. We believe a wise person will quickly process all the information given and make a qualified decision. Personality testing aside, there are no Consumer Reports’ comparisons for human beings. You can pay for information on your intended’s credit report, however, only time will tell you if she will be there to hold your hand when your mother dies, you learn you have cancer or the water bill is too high.
Have a question for Annie? Email to annie@MappingLove.com