A
Very Good Question
By
Annie Ory
A
Reader Writes:
When I was first dating the man I am married to (we've been married 12
years) he appeared to care about my needs and wants. Now I feel like he
"tunes out" on me whenever I want to share what I'm feeling.
I'm very confused, and sometimes angry. I want to propose marriage counseling.
However, I'm afraid that he won't agree. Then what?
Interesting, you called him the man you are married to, not your husband. That may be telling. How, for example, do you believe a ‘husband’ would respond to your needs? This is a conversation you could have in therapy or couple’s coaching. You might both learn a lot about why you’ve felt unsupported. What is his definition of ‘wife’? Perhaps there are gaps and inconsistencies for you both. It may be that an understanding of each other’s expectations is a good place to start.
For a moment, try to step out of the perspective, 'He doesn't care about my needs anymore and he’ll just tune me out.' I understand that is how it feels right now. Try to move into the perspective that he is as confused, hurt and scared as you are and that he wants to make it better. How does that feel different?
If your husband asked you to go to therapy and work on communication and support in your marriage, would you go? What if he said, 'We have to go to therapy because you don't care about me anymore.'? That feels different. So ask him, while acknowledging that you both have made mistakes and that you are willing to work on yours. Acknowledge the love and the hope present in him by his continued presence. Divorce is easy. Living in a marriage with no love is hard. If he didn't love you, he'd be gone. The question you really asked me though is: 'I'm afraid that he won't agree. Then what?' Well, then you’ll go without him. You’ll go and work and trust that this man you love so much, will see you working and trusting and he'll think, 'I should go too.' Or, maybe he wont and you'll change and things will get better anyway. Dr. Schnarch, the author of Passionate Marriage writes that, as a couple, ‘You have about the same level of tolerance for intimacy, although you may express it differently. You and your spouse make splendid sparring partners because you have roughly the same level of differentiation. Assume you are emotional “equals” even though you’d like to believe otherwise.’ The obvious meaning; grow, and he’ll grow with you or it will become intolerable for him and he’ll leave. Stay as you are and he will, likely, do the same. Interestingly, the person with the least tolerance for intimacy, by default, determines the level of intimacy in a marriage. When pressed by change, they may grow, or they may run. It will be interesting for you to find out which person you are. Presidio Sentinel, July/ Newspaper
Have a question for Annie? Email to annie@MappingLove.com