Judgment vs. Preference
By Annie Ory

Judgment vs. Preference

Read this out loud, “I am right and you are wrong.” Now try this, “I don’t like that and I want this instead.” Finally say, “I like this and sometimes I want it even though I know you prefer that.”
When we can ask for what we want without judgment it opens the possibilities of relationships with vastly different souls than ourselves. This can add color and vibrancy to our lives. ... continued:

Often we look at differences in a relationship from the perspective that we do things the right way and that if they are done a different way it is wrong. This can have undesirable results. When we present ourselves to our loved one with a request, we need to understand that we are asking them for something we want, not something we are entitled to or owed.

For example, take the concept of cleanliness. For every person clean means something different. If your belief system says clean means bleach and cleanser every day, and mine says clean means no rotting carcasses or motorcycle engines on the living room floor, a conversation around cleaning may be difficult. It doesn’t have to be impossible if we can respect each other’s differences. If you say to me, “I really like the house cleaned in this way and at this frequency and if you don’t help me keep it that way you are derelict in your duty as a partner,” you are less likely to enlist my help than if you say, “I really like the house cleaned this way and, while I know that seems excessive to you, I feel happier and calmer when it is done this way. It is a lot of work to do on my own. Will you help me?” Then I am likely to feel much more cooperative.

Interestingly, the result for you, whether I help or not, will be easier to handle. I might help, but if I don’t, you can take that from the perspective that I am refusing to buy into your belief system, not refusing to love you by helping you to do what is right. Of course, in partnerships, we hope to have found someone whose belief systems about cleanliness and other important issues are close enough to ours to allow peaceful co-existence. If we have not, we will now have to choose if the relationship has become more important than the belief system. Perhaps we can even find rooms in the house for everyone’s belief systems.

In one household I know, there is a room where “real cleaning” is done once a year and by a maid. The maid also cleans the house once a week. The cost of the housecleaning is shared by both partners. The “messy” partner acquiesces to not throw things on the floor in common rooms or in the “neat” partner’s private space and to do dishes every other day. The neat partner does not complain about the mess in the messy partner’s private space and does the rest of the housework with an understanding that it is her choice to keep the house that clean. The result is, two very different people living in one space peacefully with their belief systems intact. Presidio Sentinel, September/ Newspaper

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